Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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