The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
