I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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