if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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