How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
as a side note pls kill me
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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