the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
