My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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