im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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