You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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