I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
