a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Two words: nipple clamps
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