dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
