I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just googled if crying burns calories
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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