So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
