So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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