Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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