just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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