how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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