i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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