i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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