pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
