He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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