The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
