Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
then he tried to convert me to islam
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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