Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
the liver wants what the liver wants
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
