debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
