Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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