Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize