So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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