I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
