So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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