she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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