I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
