apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
