its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
