Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
