you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
