well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
