I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
