chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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