Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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