What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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