he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
