Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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