All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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