just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize