That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
