my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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