well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
