Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize