So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
