It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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