finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
