you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
