My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
