you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
