Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
