before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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